While police are investigating reports of zombie raccoons in Youngstown, Ohio, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is “surprised by the extent of the spread” of virtually untreatable “nightmare bacteria.” Meanwhile, mothers are resorting to tasers to get their kids to church, disgruntled baseball fans are hurling fried chicken at underperforming players, and Jesus himself, apparently no longer able to perform miracles, has to rob Pizza Hut for sustenance.
There’s good news, though: The word “but” just might save us all.
