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What the #@!!*&##!?

Well, it happened again.

This time, however, I wasn’t about to conclude our staff meeting until my point was made. I was mad as hell. This is an outrage!

“AMD is not even on the list in the Best Print Design Business category as judged by the readers of Inland Business Catalyst!” I shouted. “We’ve never even been on the [expletive deleted] list!”

The echo of my pounding fist receded; the silence in the room was deafening.

I noted—much more calmly—that even my own dry cleaning service was voted best in Spokane. (Flowers and a congratulatory note are on their way to Clark’s Cleaners, by the way.)

Discussion centered on how we were going to take matters in our own hands and ensure victory next year. My senior designer, unusually quiet up until then, offered a suggestion: “Let’s send an email campaign to all of our clients to increase AMDs word-of-mouth value.”

Brilliant, I thought—but when are we going to have time to do that?

My writer yawned, stretched, and brushed the donut crumbs from his belly. “Maybe,” he said, “we should interview the Best Local Business Man to gain insight on what it takes to make it all the way to the top.”

Great idea. Too bad I’ve already been fired once by Walt Worthy in my career.

“Come on, people,” I yelled. “We got nothin’.”

Silence.

And then it hit me: all we need to do is invent a new category. “If Catalyst can have a Best Parking Lot Maintenance Business*,” I said, the realization of my genius overwhelming even me, “then why not a Best Design Firm East of Division category?”

The clouds parted, the sun shone, and an angelic chorus filled the air.

“Damn, we’re good” someone mumbled. “Pass the donuts.”

Meeting adjourned.

*A hearty congratulations to Arrow Concrete & Asphalt Specialties.

Time Marches Inexorably On

Today is the birthday of our fearless leader, who was born the same year Hugh Hefner opened his first Playboy Club in Chicago, “The Flintstones” appeared for the first time on TV, and a gallon of gas could be had for a quarter. Now, we’re not suggesting CK is old or anything. It’s just that, well…he’s not young.

Be sure to wish him well!

Men, You Might Not Want to Read This

From today’s edition of the Charlotte Observer:

There’s a perfectly good explanation, of course. Which is probably why Baron Davis is being such a good sport about it. Still…it sounds mighty painful.

Beware the Dangler

Sound advice on dangling modifiers from The New York Times. Be sure to glance through the comments that follow, where you’ll find everything from the moronic (“There is no need of rigorous grammatical proofreading in everyday NYT articles.”) to the sublime (“I look forward to a future column on the collapse of agreement between collective nouns and the pronouns that follow them.”).

Oh, and happy new year.

How to Catch Big Fish

The latest PROOF! issue (no. 6) tells the story of local fly-tying master John Newbury.

PROOF! is a biannual publication dedicated to featuring a very creative individual while showcasing Johnston Printing’s capabilities. AMD is responsible for story development, research, design, and writing. The current issue features the beautiful photography of Anthony (Tony) Roslund, who recently joined J. Craig Sweat Photography.

To learn more about this free publication, or sign up to receive future copies, just visit proof.johnstonprinting.com.

A Christmas Card from Terry Gilliam

Merry Christmas, everyone.

A Confession

Having made my feelings about Twitter known on at least two occasions (here and here), it pains me somewhat to admit that I’ve actually tried it. And no, it wasn’t horrifying.

Let me be clear: I don’t tweet. That would be dumb. I do, however, follow a couple of people whose viewpoints I respect and who often learn of things before the rest of us do. It was from Twitter, in fact, that I first heard of the deaths of Hitchens, Havel, and that North Korean whack-job…Kim something or other.

Favorite feed so far? Grammar Monkeys. They’ve been having some fun with verbing this afternoon:

“The pilot was a Federal Flight Deck Officer, permissioned by the U.S. Transportation Security Administration to carry a firearm.”

“You’d rather obsolete yourself a little bit than have someone else do it,” McNerney said.

“Traffic-copping the situation was a Coast Guard unit established after Katrina…”

These are so outrageously bad I thought they were made up. Sadly, they’re real. The first is from a Reuters wire report; the second, Boeing CEO James McNerney; the third, AP writer Alan Sayre.

Makes you wonder if these guys have to wear a helmet when they go outside.

The Psychology of Color

Many of us don’t realize how brand colors impact a viewer’s visual senses and emotional feelings. Since we’re in the holiday season, lets examine the color RED. Like all colors, red has both positive and negative connotations. Either way, it’s designed to attract your attention.

Why red’s hot. It’s deemed the warmest of all colors. Red is energetic, powerful, exciting, and aggressive. It suggests confidence, courage, and strength. Extroverts love it. Red is passionate, intense, and stimulates desire. (February 14 comes to mind.) In China, red is a good luck color and represents happiness and prosperity.

What it says about you. If you like red, then you’re probably outgoing (or aspire to be). You’re ambitious, restless, and possibly unaware of your own shortcomings. You have a zest for life, but are likely impulsive. Your cup is always half full and you become bored easily—which means you’ve probably stopped reading this by now.

So what’s not to like about red? It can mean danger—think fire trucks and stop signs—or it can be used to represent anger and violence. “In the red,” “red herring,” or just plain “red flag” all have negative meanings in our society. The devil is rendered in red (but then, so is cupid) and, depending on where you live, it may mean you’re a communist. Red roses may be beautiful, but they also have thorns which, if you’re not careful…

Who’s seeing red? It’s not the most favorite color of either men or women, ranking about third or fourth for both genders. Familiar consumer brands that roll out the red carpet are Coca Cola, Target, Knoll, Nintendo, Colgate, Jack in the Box, Ferrari, and Texaco. And while there’s lots of reds in the Pantone color guide, I’ve always felt PMS 185 was the reddest of reds.

RIP, Mr. Hitchens

Christopher Hitchens has succumbed to cancer. Few writers of our age could turn a phrase like Hitch—a man who, frankly, would have sneered at the encomiums occasioned by his death. A contrarian by nature and an atheist by design, he would’ve really hated his passing being marked by Arvo Pärt’s “Da Pacem Domine” (Grant peace, Lord). But the sentiment stands.

[audio:https://helveticka.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/01-Da-pacem-Domine.mp3|titles=01 Da pacem Domine]

If Only It Were That Easy…

According to this site, a short story I published back in August has a “bestseller score” of 19 out of a possible 20. And since they use “statistical analysis,” why, it must be true. Thanks, science!

Ask Dr. Grammar!

Here’s a bit of a stumper: is it “myriad” or “myriad of”?

The thing is, it’s not that simple.

For a long time, myriad was just a noun—as in “a myriad of bacon burgers.” Then, some time around the 19th century, poets turned it into an adjective: “myriad dancing girls.”

While both uses are acceptable in formal writing today, we at the last word prefer the adjective form, since it communicates the same meaning with two fewer words. Lest you think our preference for the more recent usage means we’ve become a bunch of feckless descriptivists, however, keep in mind that the original Greek meaning is “10,000.” And since numbers are usually adjectives, well…it helps us sleep at night.

Public Service Announcement

With the price of coal nearing $80 per short ton (at least in northern Appalachia), here’s a way to save a couple of bucks on gifts for friends and family on this year’s “naughty” list.

The Microeconomics of Poetry

Thinking of going back to school to get that MFA? If it’s the life of a poet you’re yearning to live, you might want to reconsider.

A couple of highlights:

  • One of the best-selling poetry books of 2011 earned its author less than $4,400.
  • The Paris Review—a publication whose acceptance rate is likely around 0.1%—pays $75 per poem.
  • Over the past decade, the number of poetry MFAs awarded has doubled. Coincidentally, it’s also twice the number of actual jobs available to people with MFAs in poetry.

There are easier ways to make a buck.

The Year in Music

Since CK wouldn’t grant me the time off to listen to every CD released in 2011 (something about “billable hours”), this isn’t a best-of list. Rather, it’s a collection of 10 albums from the past 12 months that I happened to find compelling in one way or another. Which means, of course, that you ought to give ’em a listen.

Here they are, in no particular order:

  1. Re: ECM—Ricardo Villalobos / Max Loderbauer
  2. Four Thousand Holes—John Luther Adams
  3. Grace for Drowning—Steven Wilson
  4. A Worcester Ladymass—Trio Mediaeval
  5. Bordeaux—Robin Guthrie & Harold Budd
  6. Drums between the Bells—Brian Eno
  7. New Blood—Peter Gabriel
  8. Faithful—Marcin Wasilewski Trio
  9. Welcome to My DNA—Blackfield
  10. Helplessness Blues—Fleet Foxes

And an honorable mention goes to Muppets: The Green Album.

[audio:https://helveticka.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/03-Mahna-Mahna.mp3|titles=03 Mahna Mahna]

Bigger Is Better

A few years ago we created the Whitworth University athletic logo. I recently attended a men’s basketball game and was reminded how it’s always fun to see where your work ends up. The logo now appears on all kinds of applications such as banners, football helmets, web pages, apparel, mugs, gymnasium floors, etc. It’s even more exciting when it’s really, really, BIG!

And if you’re wondering about the value of a good athletic logo, it should be noted that since it was implemented in 2005, the Pirates men’s basketball team has a record of 148 wins and only 29 losses—a winning percentage of .840. Go Pirates!

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