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Music for All Time

I vividly recall the thrill of discovering Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony—with Toscanini conducting the NBC orchestra and the Robert Shaw Chorale—as an eight-year-old child. I also remember the first time, at 15, hearing Miles Davis’s intro to “Autumn Leaves” on the 1958 Cannonball Adderley album Somethin’ Else. And I’ll never forget how the genre-defying Yr, by Steve Tibbetts, introduced me to an entirely different way of thinking about guitar technique.

I bring these up because today marks the 30th anniversary of the release of U2’s career-defining touchstone, The Joshua Tree. To my mind, it’s a perfect album; a masterpiece not only of its time, but for all time. It made me realize that art can be found in the popular—something I would have vehemently denied up to that point—and that U2 could make serious (and seriously beautiful) music. It’s hard for me to even conceive of my sophomore year in college without this record.

Unfortunately, U2 pretty much peaked in 1987. Sure, Achtung Baby was good. But it wasn’t perfect. And by then I’d grown tired of the pretense and earnestness that, thanks to the likes of Bono and Sting, had become hallmarks of the era. But man, after listening to The Joshua Tree this morning—for the first time in a very long time—I still say it’s a masterpiece; a work of art that’s every bit as breathtaking today as it was 30 years ago.

Assume Nothing

I’m really, really sorry to bring politics up. But this is pretty dang interesting.

Someone restaged the 2016 Trump-Clinton debates with an actress playing the role of the former and an actor the latter. The assumption, of course, was that “the gender inversion would confirm…that Trump’s aggression—his tendency to interrupt and attack—would never be tolerated in a woman, and that Clinton’s competence and preparedness would seem even more convincing coming from a man.”

That’s the thing about assumptions, though: they’re often wrong. Joe Salvatore, one of the people behind the production, explains:

We heard a lot of “now I understand how this happened”—meaning how Trump won the election. People got upset. There was a guy two rows in front of me who was literally holding his head in his hands, and the person with him was rubbing his back. The simplicity of Trump’s message became easier for people to hear when it was coming from a woman—that was a theme. One person said, “I’m just so struck by how precise Trump’s technique is.” Another—a musical theater composer, actually—said that Trump created “hummable lyrics,” while Clinton talked a lot, and everything she said was true and factual, but there was no “hook” to it. Another theme was about not liking either candidate—you know, “I wouldn’t vote for either one.” Someone said that Jonathan Gordon [the male Hillary Clinton] was “really punchable” because of all the smiling. And a lot of people were just very surprised by the way it upended their expectations about what they thought they would feel or experience.

I don’t bring this up to score political points one way or the other, but simply to point out—as this exercise seems to demonstrate—that Trump won the election not because of racism or sexism or jingoism or whatever -ism gets your dopamine levels to where you need ’em to be, but because he delivered a message that people responded to. And because, well…Clinton was a less-than-likable candidate.

Or maybe it all just comes down to this:

Sign of the Times

Wandering the aisles of Target over the weekend, I came across this curiosity: a section of products developed for the care of “multicultural hair.” What, pray tell, does that mean?

Turns out I’m not the only one confused. In its page on multicultural hair care, Sally Beauty trips all over itself in an effort to not assign certain hair types to certain ethnicities, saying, without a trace of irony, “Don’t look at your skin tone, take good [sic] look at your hair!”

OK. Then don’t call it “multicultural hair care.”

I shouldn’t be surprised. The English language has really taken a beating over the last 20–30 years. Diversity used to mean difference or unlikeness; now it seems to apply only to varying degrees of melanin content rather than actual differences in philosophy, experience, worldview, education, religion, or socio-economic background.

Hate is another one. To a growing number of individuals, it now means “expressing an opinion I don’t like.” Then there’s justice, the latest dilution of which must surely be vexing to the Super Friends.

So what’s the solution? I dunno. Everyone tells me that English changes, and I should just get on board with it. Maybe so. But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

Proof of Purchase

Last weekend I ran across a receipt that tells a bit of a story from my days as a design student at Spokane Falls. RA-TEL’S Art Supply, owned and operated by Darrell and Karen Sullens, was one of only two local art supply stores back then—a place where students could buy sketch books, pens, markers, paint, special papers, spray mount, and so on for their school projects. Though it was a small store at the time (they later moved to a larger space) RA-TEL’S was one of my favorite stops. It was like my very own Cheers: friendly faces, funny stories, and lots of laughs. The kind of place where you lingered a little longer; where relationships were formed that outlasted the immediate need for student supplies. In fact, over the years, both Linda and I remained friends with Darrell and Karen, who, sadly, recently passed.

Going Swimming? Urine for a Surprise

How much pee is in our swimming pools? Up to 75 liters, it turns out. Which seems like a lot—until you realize that it’s only about .009 percent.

Which seems positively infinitesimal, until you realize that .009 percent is about four teaspoons of pee in a 55-gallon drum of water. Would you drink from that? Me neither.

Here’s a little more perspective:

•  rivers and lakes make up about .009 percent of Earth’s water
•  .009 percent is the CPSC’s limit for lead in paint or surface coatings
•  driving impairment can begin at blood alcohol levels as low as .009 percent

On the other hand, back in October, “analytics guru and political prognosticator” Nate Silver claimed that only about .009 percent of the world’s data is actually useful—while at the same time predicting that the Cubs would lose the 2016 World Series and that Democrats would win a majority of U.S. Senate seats in the upcoming election.

Guess Mr. Silver should’ve paid closer attention to the less-useful 99.991 percent.

Odds and Ends from an “Arch-Genius”

David Gelernter, Yale University computer scientist and subject of one of the stupider (not to mention more lazily partisan) newspaper headlines in recent memory,* has some pretty interesting things to say in a recent Atlantic piece.

On whether beauty is objective: “Take any civilization, ask for its artistic masterpieces; today, they are almost guaranteed to be valuable all over the world. There’s almost nothing less subjective than the sense of beauty.”

On taking new architecture seriously: “Take a chance, dammit.”

On raising children without comprehensive ethical views: “…a recipe for one of the riskiest experiments in history.”

On understanding artificial intelligence: “The people who know the mind best aren’t neurobiologists, they’re novelists & poets.”

On music: History’s greatest composer is Franz Schubert, but “Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis, his op 110 and 111 sonatas, his string quartet in C# minor and the Gross [sic] Fuge are the greatest music of all.”

*It was just a year ago that Time magazine called him an “arch-genius.”

Answering Life’s Important Questions

In an effort to “establish, once and for all, the absolute best fast food items in America” the fine folks over at The Ringer have thoughtfully provided a list of the top 50. And while they’re mostly correct, I think it’s important that we right a couple of obvious wrongs.

First of all, this is America, not France. A hamburger of some sort should top any list of the best fast food. As much as I love Chick-Fil-A waffle fries, their position at no. 1 tells me the Ringer team isn’t taking this job all that seriously.

Second, McDonald’s fries have a half-life measured in nano-seconds. Sure, they’re delicious at first—but as they cool, they begin to take on a chalky texture, and after about a minute they’re are all but inedible. Their no. 3 ranking can only mean that those who participated in the survey were drunk.

As for the rest, it’s…pretty spot-on, though I’d rank both the Egg McMuffin and KFC chicken higher and remove Chipotle entirely from consideration (seems a bit shi shi for this list). And where’s my beloved ButterBurger?

In the same spirit, we conducted a totally scientific study here at helveticka world headquarters to determine, “once and for all,” the best local hamburger joint. By “local” we mean anything worth driving to; by “hamburger” we mean pretty much anything but the hoity-toity $15 offerings featured in a recent Spokesman-Review article.

Here are the results:

Zip’s
Sporty’s
Wolffy’s
Burger Royal
Ron’s

Maybe next week we’ll tackle the region’s best breakfast.

Miscellany

Happy Twin Peaks Day, everyone.

Hearty recommendation: The History of English Podcast. I mean, dig this Indo-European Family Tree.

Whatever happened to Greenland’s Vikings? “You can do a lot of things right,” says archaeologist Thomas McGovern. “You can be highly adaptive; you can be very flexible; you can be resilient—and you go extinct anyway.”

So apparently it’s OK to end a friendship based on political differences now. What an amazing world we live in.

Etiquette tips for graphic designers. (Well…not exactly. It’s just that each is accompanied by a helpful illustration. And there aren’t any big words.)

It’s Almost Like Magic

Here’s how an idea for an illustration begins. After copy is written, a super-quick chicken-scratch is created on literally any nearby surface, using whatever colored markers are within reach—followed by a reasonably focused iPhone photo that’s immediately emailed to the artist. Total elapsed time? Maybe 90 seconds, if that.

These sketches are usually done while on the phone with the illustrator discussing the concept. In this case, that would be our long-time, Seattle-based collaborator Don Baker. He can take any half-baked idea and make it beautiful (which, of course, is the magical part).

Here are three examples of Don’s work:

The Coolest Story You’ll Read All Day

“As I scurried down a frost-covered slope into the cave, I couldn’t shake the distinct feeling that I was stepping into the maw of a prehistoric beast.” That’s Mark M. Synott, writing in the March 2017 issue of National Geographic, about a 31-member expedition put together to explore what could very well be the world’s deepest cave.

Called Dark Star, this “monstrous limestone cave system inside a mountain in a remote corner of Uzbekistan” was first discovered in 1984—but another six years went by before a British team reached it and began exploring the system.

The whole claustrophobia-inducing account, complete with great photography and a video, is available online here.

Pardon the Fanboy Moment

Brian Eno’s long been one of my favorite musicians in any genre—I’m listening to his 1993 album Neroli as I write this—so I was happy to see Philip Sherburne’s lengthy interview with him over at Pitchfork. “Whether talking art or politics or philosophy,” Sherburne writes, “everything in the world seems suddenly much more interesting in Brian Eno’s company.”

And, I imagine, much more profound. Case in point: “[M]odern jazz wouldn’t have existed without recording, because to make improvisations sound sensible, you need to hear them again and again, so that all those little details that sound a bit random at first start to fit. You anticipate them and they seem right after a while.”

I’ve been listening to jazz for 35 years. And that had never once occurred to me.

Cultural Wasteland

The Recording Industry Association of America has updated its list of the 100 best-selling albums of all time. Naturally, I have some observations.

Fully 16 percent of the list is made up of “greatest hits”-type records; another six percent are motion picture soundtracks.

In theory, one in 10 Americans owns Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Which seems low, to be honest.

Seven are by Garth Brooks. Seven! Let that sink in for a moment.

Def Leppard, Celine Dion, and Kenny G are on this list. David Bowie, Bob Dylan, and Radiohead aren’t.

No jazz, no blues, no classical, no bluegrass—like walking into a Baskin Robbins and discovering that all 31 flavors are subtle variations of vanilla.

Can we draw any conclusions from the music-buying habits of the American public? Probably not. But we can totally be judgmental. Unless, of course, you’re into Def Leppard, Celine Dion, or Kenny G.

McDonald’s Fiddles while Rome Burns

At first, I thought this had to be a joke. I mean, check it out:

The tubular nozzle’s extra air holes optimize the flow of the milkshake, giving people a much easier sucking experience. Sucking, of course, being the primary stumbling block with milk-based products.

And get a load of this quote from “Seth Newburg,” purportedly a principal engineer and managing partner at NK Labs:

It was a puzzling assignment but one with an ambitious goal. From a physics perspective, it’s actually quite difficult to deliver a proportional amount of both chocolate and mint flavors with each sip. But that’s exactly what we did. It’s a marvel of fluid dynamics.

Alas, the STRAW (Suction Tube for Reverse Axial Withdrawal) appears to be all too real. And Seth Newburg is totally legit. Heck, you can read the press release for yourself. There’s even a video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc7hmqrGyPE

So I guess we’ve solved all the world’s problems, then.

Don’t get me wrong: McDonald’s is a proven innovator. They not only perfected breakfast, but also figured out how to turn “pig bits like tripe, heart, and scalded stomach” into a delicious sandwich.

But this? Color me dubious. Anything designed to deliver four times your recommended daily sugar intake even faster isn’t exactly what you’d call a giant leap for mankind.

Kind of excited to try it out, though.

A Heartfelt Plea

Spend any time on the Internet and you’re bound to run into one of those Buzzfeed-type lists of The Very Worst Words in the English Language. In it you’ll find the usual suspects: moist, phlegm, smear, et al.

There’s one word that rarely makes the cut, however, and it’s a particularly appropriate one for Valentine’s Day (or, as the more rational among us might refer to it, Dumbest Holiday Ever™).

The word is lover, and it gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Not only is it a wee bit pretentious and French-sounding, it’s skin-crawlingly prurient in its imagery. It’s far too intimate and familiar; far too suggestive of the sorts of things you do behind closed doors that the rest of us don’t even want to think about you doing behind closed doors. Plus, there’s an air of illicitness around it: “I took a lover.” (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)

Then, of course, there’s this.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, stick to boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or spouse. Even partner, in all of its corporate-sounding efficiency, is better.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Valentines Day, Schmalentines Day

It’s finally here. The day females around the world countdown the days until…Galentines Day!

If you’re a Parks and Rec fan, then you know all about this glorious celebration of female friendship. But if you don’t already worship Leslie, Donna, Rob, April, Andy, Tom, and – last and kind of least – Larry/Jerry/Lenny/Terry/Gerry, then here’s what you need to know to set up your own Galentines Day:

1. women only
2. cocktails are a must
3. waffles are always a good idea
4. ego-boosting conversation welcome

So ladies, gather your girlfriends (and have them gather theirs, because the more the merrier) and go forth with a new February holiday to look forward to – no matter what your romantic situation. I myself will be meeting promptly after work to start this week off the best way a week could start: with 10 other fabulous females, drinks in hand, cheers-ing to our unstoppable awesomeness.

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